Two hours after labor, we were transferred from the birthing suite to a smaller post-partum room with our new baby boy, Maxwell. 

We were greeted by the night nurse, then left to rest and be new parents. We had visitors throughout the day like lactation consultants, doctors, labs/screeners, and meal deliverers. It was impossible to catch up on sleep and we were overwhelmed by caring for our new baby. 

We were learning how to feed and change our baby while running on a few hours of sleep from labor. It was harder than it sounded and being a mom did not come naturally. Even holding little Max was awkward and took some getting use to. Overall, I‘ve never been so mentally and physically drained before. 

Feeding 

I had heard breastfeeding is a journey itself but I didn’t anticipate how steep the learning curve is while you’re so sleep deprived. Breastfeeding does not come naturally even after taking classes on it. Imagine learning how to drive in the classroom and then being put in the driver’s seat while running on 1-2 hours of sleep to have a go at it. If you mess up, it could be life-threatening.

You’re told to feed your baby every 2-3 hours via breast. Easier said than done… and it is especially hard with a tiny early baby. I practiced latching him and syringed him formula while my colostrum (early milk) was coming in. You’re hoping that he is getting enough food but there is no accurate way of knowing. It’s a lot of pressure and pretty stressful, especially with heightened hormones. 

Since he was small for his gestational age, I was provided a hospital-grade pump to build my milk supply. The same rule, pump milk every 2-3 hours, applies… and yes this includes throughout the night. Next, we had to learn how to feed him with a bottle. Pumping and bottle feeding were a little less intimidating than direct breast latch but still means two additional skills to process. 

Luckily, Max is a champ for eating and taking the bottles and breasts without major issues. Seems like he’ll be a foodie like mommy in no time.

Changing Diapers

We divided the workload so Chi would be learning how to change diapers. It was harder than it seemed with a squirming little baby. I was pretty intimidated by this and leaned on Chi to pick up this skill. Eventually, after the fifth or sixth diaper, you do get the hang of it… it is not fun though. 

Swaddling 

We learned it in baby class and it’s pretty much wrapping a baby up like a burrito. It sounds easy but somehow in practice (and while being sleep deprived), it was pretty tough at the hospital. I had easy velcro swaddles at home but the thick and large hospital blankets were a challenge to figure out in the middle of the night.  

Soothing our Baby

The second night, Max was pretty fussy and we were exhausted. Running on 3 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours, I was dysfunctional and mentally not able to know what to do. I asked for the nurse’s help and she knew it was a diaper change and swaddle. Max was also likely hungry at that time and not getting enough from my syringe feeds. I had to hold him for long periods to get him to relax which means no chance to sleep. I can see why so many mothers suffer from postpartum depression. 

After the first few days, we ramped up our soothing skills since we got more practice at feeding and diaper changes. He’s a pretty easy baby (so far), as long as he is fully fed and has a clean diaper on, he’s happy and goes to sleep.

Post-Partum Recovery

In addition to learning all this newborn care, I was physically recovering from labor. I had a 2nd-degree tear, which is pretty common and overall it was pretty minuscule compared to the drain of my mental capacity and exhaustion. 

It was sore down there but never painful compared to contractions. It was a little hard to walk for the first few days and I pulled a leg muscle from flexing during labor. I was a zombie, running on my reserves and only able to focus on necessary things like feeding and pumping. I could barely process what I wanted to eat and the things I had to do. I told Chi, whenever we have a gap or break, we need to eat and go to the bathroom.

The Car Seat Check & NICU

In order for Max to be discharged from the hospital, he needs to pass a car seat test that monitors his oxygen levels for 90 minutes while seated in the car seat. Our nurse told us they will take him away for about 2 hours in the middle of the night. I was so relieved to have a tiny window of undisrupted sleep but he failed his first test on the first night and retook it again on the second night. I cherished this little sleep window but it was hard to be relaxed and comfortable. 

On the second night, Max failed the test again and this time they saw his oxygen levels decrease. He was admitted to the NICU. It was scary but I don’t think my mind was processing everything. My poor baby… I accompanied him to NICU in tears. The emotions and hormones are at an all-time high after birth. I knew NICU was a blessing in disguise because that is the safest place he could be compared to our home. He’d be in the care of nurses and we get a chance to rest, recover and recharge. Honestly, if we took him home the next day, I’d be lost on how to feed him properly and too exhausted to function.

He stayed a week in NICU where Chi and I visited him every day. I was discharged from post-partum so rested at home while adapting to a 3-hour pumping schedule. During his stay, we had so much hands-on learning on how to take care of Max from the NICU nurses and lactation consultants. I honestly don’t know how we would have functioned without the NICU stay —it was a well-needed first-time parents clutch for sure. As the days went by, we were getting more comfortable with feeds and diaper changes. 

Max was doing great and all the nurses were telling us how cute he was. He was feeding well and steadily growing. He was able to stabilize his oxygen and after the third day, he was just being monitored for medication to wear off. He also got upgraded to his own little suite!

One week after birth, he was discharged to go home with us. Chi and I felt 100x more confident as new parents. We were able to do diaper changes, bottle feeds, pump, and even breastfeed pretty well. More importantly, our brains weren’t as foggy after being able to sleep. On his discharge day and 1-week birthday, we had the hospital photographer take pics of us celebrating his coming home. 

Adapting at home

It has been going well and we’re adapting to his schedule. The days and nights become a blur and we are tired. Luckily Max hasn’t been overly fussy (yet) and my mom is helping with all the cooking and cleaning. Our shift system has been working well too. Chi takes the 9pm to 3am feeds and I take the 3am onwards feeds. It’s hard but I feel like we have it under control so far.

Not sure how we will adapt when Chi goes back to work at the end of March or when my mom returns to Toronto. I’m hoping Max will be a little easier too… well until the dreaded “4-month sleep regression” and “witching hour”.

In the thick of it, being a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The toughest part is running on minimum sleep while recovering from labor, learning new skills, and trying to keep this little human alive and satisfied. It is such a mental challenge as well since if you’re not doing it right, you feel like you are a failure as a mom. Add another layer of emotional hormones and you are a complete mess.

There are moments when I feel like I’m on the edge of a mental breakdown and everything is just too much. Then, there are magical moments when you see your little baby sleeping in contentment or cuddling on your chest. While I look forward to Max growing a little bigger so he’s easier and I can get more sleep, I need to cherish this present newborn time when he’s our little guy. I need to also remind myself that I’m doing my best, be kind to myself, and take one day at a time. I know “it will get easier” and I will sleep 8-hour stretches again.