Overall, this period mostly sucks and I feel like Moms don’t talk about it enough. I’d knew the newborn stage would be hard but didn’t know it’d be THIS hard. And I’ve done “hard” before —where others tell me certain things are hard but I’ve managed it. Like a 3 hour commute for 10 years, design school with a part-time job, planning a wedding while designing and living through a home renovation, and managing two airbnbs. Caring for a newborn baby is on another level of hard that tests my mental and physical state. For once, this is truly really hard and the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I cannot fathom how is it possible that all moms have gone through this… and some repeat it. Some even have it tougher without any support (single parents) or multiple kids (parents with twins or a toddler). I am so thankful my mom is here to help and keep me sane, fed and less lonely. Chi is also here to support after work and on weekends. 

Emotions

There are intense waves of emotions in highs and lows. Everything is elevated with sleep deprivation and when days get tough, I have to reel it in before I fall into a black hole of negative thoughts (and I’m usually a positive person!). As a type-A personality, I push myself to do my best but it also loads a heavy responsibility. The newborn stage is a phase, but being a mom is a lifelong commitment with no turning back. That pressure and overnight change is overwhelming. 

As the novelty and excitement simmers down, there are moments where I wonder what we got ourselves into and how life would be easier without children. Did we make a mistake? I miss my old life —they ability to do what you want whenever, even simple basic needs like eating and taking a shower. Have I lost myself to motherhood? I am just taking care of this baby 24/7 without time for anything else. 

There is so much guilt during this time. You feel guilty for mourning your pre-mom life and guilty for complaining about how hard motherhood is. You feel guilty for taking a break or not following all the parenting guidelines and ‘to-dos’. There are times where I feel incapable and inadequate, especially when many women have overcame this with harder babies and less support.

No wonder so many moms suffer from postpartum depression or anxiety. It’s a huge mental load. 

Duties and obligations

While prospective moms stress about the physical act of birthing and labor (without a doubt, it is hard), it’s everything after that I found hardest. You’re suddenly taking care of this little human with minimal reward. There are barely any breaks and you can’t slack off. You are suddenly expected to pick up new skills and know-how. And, this little human can be demanding, unclear and uncooperative. Again add sleep deprivation and hormones… it is 10x harder than it sounds.

Feeding is the toughest, no matter which path you take. Every 2-3 hours (or sometimes even more often), your newborn baby will need to be fed. You think breastfeeding is going to be natural and intuitive since our bodies are made for it but it’s common to struggle. Max couldn’t suck milk properly and my supply was not growing fast enough. I had to pump every 2 to 3 hours around the clock, including through the night and we all took turns feeding him with the bottle. Eventually after 8 weeks, my milk supply caught up! I finally felt more accomplished but still I hate pumping because it took time away from Max. I had to watch the clock 24/7 to pump every few hours and also wash all the parts. I was fortunate that my mom and Chi helped with feeding and washing to give me some time back—I couldn’t have done it without them. 

Sleep is another struggle. Max is an average sleeper and he’s grown his longest stretch around 4 hours at night. His day naps are short from 10 minutes to 30 mins and is all over the place with contact or stroller rescue naps. Putting him down for sleep occasionally requires work like shushing him, rocking him etc. There are also guidelines like wake windows to follow, soothing “S” methods, safe sleeping rules… So much pressure to learn and apply. 

Diaper changes are a breeze in comparison and a quick way to comfort and console his crying. Tummy time to promote development is straightforward with Max as well. Unlike other babies, he has liked it from the start and working towards lifting his head. 

Routines

Day after day, these duties get repetitive and you count down to the days when it will get easier. After quick bathroom break and a meal, it’s time to repeat the cycle again of feeding, playing and attempting to put him to sleep. If he follows this, you’re relieved and it feels wonderful. But he also has fussy development phases, when you know he is tired or hungry but just won’t sleep or eat. 

Our nights looked like this for the most part; 

• 8:30pm – Pump
• 9:00pm to 12:30am – Karen to sleep / Chi on Baby Duty (console, feed, and diaper)
• 12:30am – Pump
• 1:00am to 7:00am – Karen on Baby Duty (console, feed, and diaper) / Chi to sleep
• 5:00am – Pump
• 7:00a to 10:00a – Karen to sleep / Chi to work / My Mom on Baby duty

While I’m incredibly lucky to get about 7 hours of broken sleep (1-4 hour chunks) due to splitting shifts with Chi and my mom, it’s miserable and exhausting. It’s like when you have to wake up at 3am to catch a early morning flight… except you do it twice a night… every night for 3+ months, and there is no fun trip as a reward. I cannot wait until he sleeps through the night, every night… —even 6 hours straight would be heavenly. 

My days cycled around 2-3 hours routine with approx. 20-min pumping, 20-min feeds, 20-min tummy time and then usually a 1-hour struggle with getting Max to nap, which could result in a contact nap or stroller nap. 

Luckily, I didn’t need to think about meals or cleaning. Having my mom take a stretch was blessing, so I was able to shower, eat, fill out medical paperwork, do banking, write this blog… and other essential things. 

The light 

Without a doubt, I love our little guy since day 1. My feelings are reflective of how he is —my heart breaks when he cries and I cannot console him, but my heart feels full when he seems content. This must be the motherly love I have for him. It’s unique to the love I have for my parents, sister and my husband. I want to cuddle him, protect him and keep him happy.

As the newborn weeks go by, he starts to “awaken” into the world and notice his surroundings. Finally after 8 hard weeks, we’re rewarded with the cutest little milestones. He is lifting his head during tummy time, cooing/babbling, sharing wide social smiles and kicking his chubby legs in excitement. When he naps on me, the cuddles are so sweet and pure.

I love seeing his cute little face staring back at me. The way he looks at me and is in awe of the world makes everything hard seem better and worthwhile. He’s also started to have coo-ing “conversations” with me. It’s adorable as if he is trying to explain how he is doing to me. He has some many expressions and his personality is starting to shine through.

On May 6, I had my first smile session when I was playing with his legs. He would give me the biggest gummy smile. It melted my heart, a unique feeling that I don’t think I’ve ever quite felt before. 

Coming out of the fourth trimester fog, it is still tough but seeing Max grow makes it more worthwhile. Each week feels more enjoyable and rewarding despite the hard work being constant. Every parent tells me it get easier, but I’m not sold on that yet, unless you’re looking at older ages. Realistically, I know there is much to learn and adapt over the next few years. In the meantime, I’m going to try to enjoy the special baby moments of motherhood.